I woke in a slump. Groundhog day 205, premenstrual syndrome in full swing and my body tired from the endless Joe Wicks. I tried to do yoga, but the Wifi was slow and I found myself more frustrated, than full of flow. I called it quits and boiled the kettle, an oat milk latte usually does the trick. The warm cup felt like a welcome comfort, though I couldn’t shift the thought that it wasn’t quite right. Not from a coffee shop that smells of baked goods and is filled with 20 something’s nursing their hangovers. Maybe a shower could rinse away this rotten attitude? I sing as though I’m live at Wembley stadium, the suds fall to the floor, my mood sadly not following suit. I dry off, put on clothes that don’t require a zip or a button and I lie on my bedroom floor. I’m not in the mood. But, I know I should. I’ve been doing this challenge you see, 21 days of abundance. 21 days of listening to this Guru man telling me that all I desire is mine to have. That the universe is working with me, not against me. Hard to believe when there’s a global pandemic and your pits smell as though they have never encountered a bar of soap, despite the fact that you’ve just washed.
Nonetheless, I succumb. If I miss a day, I just have to do two in one and ain’t nobody got time for that. He tells me to take a comfortable sitting position, I do as I’m told. He tells me to take a deep breath, I do as I am told. He tells me to clear my mind of thoughts. My head is full of thoughts. Work, friends I haven’t called in too long, the pain in my stomach, the run I haven’t done, the size of my feet, that noise outside, is that a plane? Suddenly I focus: “Trust that everything is as it should be. Accept the circumstances as they are in your life right now.”
Like a jolt. All that had been on my mind, loud thoughts dictating my mood, were now quiet. There is nothing useful about fighting against the present, about resisting circumstances that cannot be changed. Snap out of it! For fuck sake SNAP OUT OF IT. You’re not a Moaning Myrtle, or a Wallowing Wendy, no, hell no, you’re a ‘Go get em’ Gail’ or maybe just a ‘Content Carol’. But, you certainly don’t want to be this person! The person that looks at all that they have and wishes for different. The neighbour who peers over the garden fence and wishes that their grass was as green as Susan’s. Well the thing is, Susan’s grass wasn’t always that green. Oh no, Susan had to spend time watering, fertilising, pining, caring for her grass. And that’s the thing, once your grass gets greener your scale of green widens, so Susan probably doesn’t even think her grass looks that green! Even though you can’t even really look at Susan’s grass without sunglasses on because it’s so fucking green. It’s like my teeth, people say ‘God your teeth are white’ and I’m like ‘are they? You should see my mate Emily’s teeth’. Perspective. I’ve taken the analogy too far but ,the moral of that grass tangent is perspective.
By criticising, analysing, fretting over our current circumstances, we worsen our environment. The more I say that ‘I can’t cope’, the less I can cope. The more I worry about a situation the more worrying that situation becomes. It’s a viscous cycle, one which leads to comparison, over-analysing and quite frankly misery. If we are able to accept things as they are, then we are also able to accept that things may change. Of course, we have all learnt throughout our lives thus far, that nothing is consistent – no relationship, no outlook, no setting. The way that we perceive things is constantly changing and the way that things affect us can be different from moment to moment. Sometimes I like anal, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes Dreams by Fleetwood Mac makes me want to dance, sometimes it makes me want to cry. Once upon a time I loved to be busy, now I crave stillness. As long as we can accept that our reactions to our environment, and our environment itself is as it should be, there’s no need to fret. No need to pace around the house like a mad woman looking for some sort of joy – or more accurately some sort of distraction.
Revelations are funny things. Often they aren’t revelations at all, more like a recollection of a notion you know well. Our minds are so busy that of course we forget, we forget so many of the things that intrinsically we know to be true. I know full well that feeling unsettled in my circumstances is not a permanent state of being, and that my circumstances too will change. I also know that texting an ex when I’m bored never amounts to much joy or prosper, but, alas, I persist to do so. Mind blowing.
Whatever your situation may be, know that it’s temporary. Yes sadly, this means if you’re Susan, with a garden green enough to shock Alan Titchmarsh, this too may not be permanent. A dog may shit on your lawn, or a storm may come and produce mud. That’s ok, no doom and gloom in that, you’ve had a green garden before and you will have one again. You’ve been fulfilled once and you will be fulfilled again. You’ve been sad once, and you will be sad again. That’s life baby.
In that moment, with the Guru in my ear, I realised that it was ok to accept my current circumstances, to notice what I would like to change and what I would like to remain the same. To accept that this won’t happen over night and that grass needs time to grow.
Nourish your garden, for whatever state that garden is in, it is your garden.