The five date rule.
Was it Mila Kunis in ‘Friends with Benefits’ who first brought it to our attention? Ocean eyed she wakes from the morning after the night of the fifth date, certain that her prolonged abstinence has guaranteed commitment. She quietly slides into her jeans and sneaks out of the flat, as not to wake the peaceful hunk flopped onto her couch. Two coffees in hand, she turns to return to her sleeping beauty, but to her surprise he is already awake, having achieved the bash, he now has to dash.
But she waited? She held off for four dates, turned her cheek to the side, when he leant in for her lips. She wasn’t easy, far from it, she was hard to get-ish. Yet despite her efforts, he was an arsehole all the same.
I’m starting to think that making someone wait, is just prolonging the inevitable outcome which has already been written in the stars. You could argue that holding back your sexuality will create mystery, make them desire you more deeply, but what’s an extra few weeks to a person who knows that all they really want is sex? You can leave as much as you want to the imagination but eventually you’re going to bare all in a bid to discover whether underneath the covers, they are as desirable as when sat across a candle lit table. If on a first date, two consenting adults feel as though sex is the obvious way to end an evening, why the taboo?
Guilt. Is it the guilt? That especially as a woman putting out on the first date, makes you easy and accessible, like a downstairs toilet. It gives an excuse to all the naysayers: ‘Well you didn’t really think he’d ring you if you had your knickers off before hello, did you?’ Well Sandra, I’m going to take them off eventually so what’s the fucking difference? Would you buy a car without test driving it first?
He’s putting his meat and two veg on the plate just like I am. Yet it’s me who will be waiting by the phone. It’s me who will be thinking, ‘I wonder if it would have been different if I would have acted more like the main course, rather than the starter.’ Nobody wants to be a prawn cocktail for fuck sake. I’m not suggesting that opening your legs to every Tom, Dick or Sally, is the way to finding a deep and meaningful connection that has the potential to last forever. What I am saying however, is that judging a situation in the present and not considering the opinions or social hang ups involved in your decision can be beneficial. We’re animals, it’s what we were made to do. If they like you, fucking you won’t make them like you any less. Unless you do something really strange in the bedroom that puts them off, but then they’re not the one for you anyway. Just like choosing not to go home with someone on a first date, choosing to go home with someone on a first date doesn’t need to be dosed in shame.
There are no rules. Except all I hear is that there are in fact rules, a lot of rules. Don’t text first after the date, whether you slept together or not. Don’t reply straight away. Be flirty but don’t be desperate. Don’t ask about the next date even though you’re itching to see them again; wait for them to ask. Urgh, how archaic. The problem is, all of the above kind of works. Treat them mean, you’ll keep them keen. Leave the door only slightly ajar and they’ll be unable to stop themselves from bashing it down. Sip from the poisoned chalice, don’t gulp. I’ve watched so many friends play the game with impeccable skill and they’ve ended up with the guy.
I do believe however, that these rules are maleable. That within the confines of modern dating, there is room for impulse and honesty. My theory is, if they’re into you, it won’t really matter how you play it. If it’s meant to be it will be, so if you’re thinking about them, tell them? Maybe don’t send fifty texts and a couple of voice notes, but one text isn’t going to put anyone off their supper, if you know what I mean.
In regards to when to bite the bullet and dive into bed, five dates is not the rule. There is no rule because it has to be instinctual, only you will know in the moment whether it’s the time or not. Don’t worry about the consequences but be aware of the obstacles. It may make you vulnerable, but that’s okay, nothing great ever happened inside of a comfort zone. Having sex is also not an extension of you. If they change their mind after they have shagged you, that isn’t on you, your worth is not devalued. It’s all on them and they would have done it eventually so all you did was get it out of the way early doors.
Rack up your body count with people who deserve your body, a place on that list. If they don’t, don’t bother because there are people out there that do, even if it’s just for the night. It’s so much harder for women to have casual sex because our vagina is quite literally attached to our minds. Sex means something to us. But this doesn’t have to be a disadvantage. You’ve just got to know what you’re letting yourself in to.
I call bullshit on the five date rule. Having sex with someone isn’t showing a lack of respect for yourself. If you’re having respectful sex and you’re feeling good, go get it. Girl has GOT to eat.