If like me you’re single, with the thought process that it’s far too cold outside to mingle, then you may be noticing a distinct lack of sex. You could even be in a relationship, with a powerful lack of interest in your partner, the side effect to which could be: a distinct lack of sex.

You get the picture. I’m baron, it’s cold and I want something to do on a Sunday morning that makes me feel excited and alive. I’m aware, trust me, that sex does not always provide these reactions. I’m sure that this is why, up until now, I haven’t missed it. But alas, concupiscence has come knocking at the door, and I am left with the need to excite and resuscitate my oxytocin levels.

There’s the obvious resolution of masturbation but, often this leaves me uncomfortably aware of how little sex I’m having.

I was recently told that getting massages as a single person is preferable, as it reintroduces touch into ones life. Amen.

But, there must be more.

I have taken the liberty of investigating what, opposed to sex, can take on such an arduous task.

Fuck me the results are bleak!

Okay, numbero uno. Drum roll please…


Pet a fucking dog? Don’t get me wrong, I like dogs. (Rach and Emily will be laughing because they say I’m the only person they know that doesn’t like dogs, I do, I just don’t run up to dogs I don’t know like they do). I like dogs. I do. I just don’t think that petting one is quite the equivalent to eyes in the back of the head, gasping for breath and clutching at the bed sheets. Who am I to argue with the science, apparently the same ‘feel good’ hormone is released so, find yourself a dog.

You could ride a rollercoaster, or jump out of an aeroplane. I don’t have either of those handy or ready with the click of a finger. It also might get pretty tiring having to climb to god knows how many feet and throw yourself out of a plane with a bloke called Dave strapped to your back every time you want a little oxytocin hit. Far easier to receive head.

Soak in a hot tub. I like this one but, having done a risk assessment, hopping into a hot tub on your ones, in the quest to occupy yourself whilst not having sex, seems a little counter productive. Might as well have a bath? Or does it have to be hot tub so that you can sit on one of the jets? That makes more sense.

This is all from psychologytoday.com. an extremely reputable source for psychology today. If you have any queries or pressing questions, you can take it up with them.

Share a meal.

IF I HAD SOMEONE TO SHARE A MEAL WITH, KAREN, I WOULDN’T BE BROWSING THINGS TO DO INSTEAD OF SEX. Quite insensitive of them this one if you ask me. I don’t even know where they’re heading with this idea. Might just be me but, if I’ve ordered a meal and someone just leans over and tucks into half, I’m going to be having words. I’m pretty sure that whatever the opposite to oxytocin is, is what I’d be feeling.

Apparently giving a gift is a great way to feel good. Sadly they don’t suggest that receiving one has the same effect, I beg to differ. But yes, give a gift and you’ll feel overwhelmed with elation.

I do actually understand this one. It’s nice to give someone something that they really want or need. Suppose giving gifts is what sex is all about anyway.

Here’s one of my personal favourites. “Listen with your eyes”. This is in response to phone screens, which is fair enough and if you’re not an eye-contacty person, then perhaps this would give you abit of a rush. But, for me it just feels like they’ve got a bit lazy. I’ve been single for three years Karen, you’re going to have to do better than that. Surely I can’t just look someone in the eye and feel the same things that I do when I orgasm?

To be honest, at this stage I’ll try most things, so the person serving me coffee tomorrow best be prepared for me to listen to what they have to say, with my eyes.

Now shit gets serious. Use the L word. Bit of a dagger, because clearly I’m not experiencing erotic love, Karen, otherwise I wouldn’t be reading your fucking blog but, it’s an excellent reminder. An excellent reminder that love, really is all around. It’s not just found in the embrace of a lover, but in the actions of a friend or the cooking of a mother. It’s in people we’ve known forever and in those that we’ve just met. It’s in time invested in yourself and it’s in doing things that you truly love. I love walking underneath canopies of trees and dancing like nobody’s watching. I love those things just as much, if not more, than I could love sex with another person.

This seems to be the point that I’ve been missing. A little like gluten free bread, anything but the real thing is often below par. So replacing sex, with jumping out of plane or petting a dog, is only filling a hole with the wrong sized peg. It’s all fun and games until you find yourself really trying to replace the feeling of an orgasm or intimacy with another person, with a dip in a hot tub. Replacement to me now, feels a little like avoidance, denial or the lack or longing for something that I don’t have.

Was it Emma Watson? Who just said that she is not single but self-patnered. That really resonated with me, because however self-pitying I want to be about the fact that nobody wants to be with me, it’s a choice. If you’re single reading this you don’t have to be, someone will go out with you and fill a void with shit sex and half arsed orgasms but, would that make you happy? Perhaps not.

Whilst not having sex therefore, I strive to find ways to feel alive and excited that benefit me as a ‘self-patnered’ person. It’s not a replacement of sex per-say, it’s finding things that benefit you and make you feel good and whole and full of love; in their own way.

So, thanks Karen for the advice, but I feel that there may be much more to finding oxytocin for oneself, much more exploration and investigation and specific criteria.

What works for me, may not work for you.

I do like the idea of eye-fucking everyone you see though, so I may give that a go. Wear shades if you’re coming into contact with me and don’t fancy the pupil penetration.

Also, if you are having great sex, don’t let that oxytocin go to waste, share it with the rest of us. x


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