It’s a cliché that has been used in so many books, films and TV dramas. ‘The Notebook’, ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ and ‘Call me by your name’, to list some of my favourites. Often it plays out the same, perhaps one of the best friend’s is madly in love, but they can’t tell the other in case it ruins their friendship. Or maybe after a break up, a person refuses to accept that it’s over and is determined to prove that their ex still loves them. Sometimes, quite subtly and quietly someone falls in love without the other person even knowing that they exist. Or even worse still, they know that they exist but, don’t really care. In the films however, we are often handed a happy ending, wrapped up in a bow of perseverance and slow, sensual snogging. But here’s another cliché for you; life is not a Fairy Tale. And in the wise words of Bonnie Raitt: “I can’t make you love me, if you don’t.”
We’ve all been there. Even if you were admiring from afar, a crush on Justin Bieber or Beyoncé, that’s a love that probably won’t be reciprocated. But it’s not as painful as the examples above, because it’s not personal. The worst thing about falling for somebody that doesn’t catch you, is the fact that there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. You can flutter your eye lashes, you can change your hair, you can wear your best clothes and pull out your best jokes. You can know exactly where they are in the room when you’re at a party or in a bar, but you can’t stop them from snogging somebody else. I mean you can, but you’d do yourself a disservice and turn the whole situation into a comedy sketch. And it’s frustrating, because in your head, you’re perfect for each other.
It starts to feel like a surprise party, all they need to do is walk through the door so that you can jump out and say “surprise it’s me, the one you thought wasn’t right for you but actually is” cue balloons, music and celebratory dancing. Maybe they do eventually turn up to the party. I know that Faye was at the party long before her boyfriend George RSVP’d and finally walked through the door into their now two year long relationship. But maybe they don’t, and you’re left with an uneaten cake and streamers to pick up off the floor, you have to leave eventually and accept that fact that they’re probably not coming.
My latest unrequited crush is not the first and I’m sure that it won’t be the last. It came from nowhere, when I least expected it. It swept me off my feet and before I could enjoy the ride, it dropped me head first. Now I have a head injury that I can’t quite cure. I feel silly because I care so much, I feel frustrated when thoughts of him begin to ride my brain waves, and I feel hurt that the story of my own life isn’t playing out how I would like it to. Kate Winslet said it so perfectly: “you’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life for god sake.” Leading lady however, is not a synonym of Dictator, and to make someone replicate feelings that are radiating through your body like an unwanted shiver, is borderline fascist. The only feelings and actions that you can control, are your own.
This is the point at which I wish that Fairy Tales did exist. If I could just slip a love potion into his pint, we’d be good to go.
But alas, here I am with no love potion. I have nothing but myself, which I refuse to change for anyone, and how I chose to act in this situation. I have told him my feelings, fuelled by Budweiser and desperation, but I was too late. I have kissed him, slept with him and failed to retain any sort of mystery. Whenever I see him, my body physically reacts. It’s so annoying, a bit like I’m allergic to him. My heart starts beating irregularly, my cheeks start burning like I’ve just stepped inside from a cold, windy day, and I forget how to speak coherent English. That’s the most annoying one, because I want to impress him, be cool, sexy and knowledgeable. Instead I bumble about nothing like the girl who word vomits over Hugh Grant in Love Actually. Fucking. Pathetic.
I thought that not seeing him would be better so that I could avoid any of these symptoms surfacing. Everyone knows that you can’t go cold turkey from anything that you’re slightly addicted to. I think about him more and when I do inevitably bump into him, I not only forget how to speak, but how to breathe.
I keep saying that the worst thing about all of this is that you can’t do anything about it. Maybe this is also the best thing. The more I hammer home the fact that I have no power whatsoever over him fancying me, the more I relax. It becomes my medicine to cure the injury. Anything I do, tell him I love him or completely ignore him won’t really have a dire affect either way. That has to come from within him, not me.
Of course there’s an element of honesty. He might not know. Me playing it cool may have actually worked and writing it in a blog is not an adequate admittance of interest. So yes, I should pluck up the courage and tell him I’m still interested. But if I’m honest with you and myself; I’m scared of rejection. I’m scared of looking him in the eye after he’s told me for the second time that he’s not interested. I’m also scared that I’ve made him out in my head as a completely different person to the one that he is. I feel that I’ve made him perfect for me, and I feel that I react so strongly when I see him because of the pedestal that I have put him on.
So, how much will I regret not trying? Can I live with the fact that I’m going to suffer in silence, wrapped in bubble wrap from any form of rejection and stick to level EASY. Or do I want to throw caution to the wind? Have so much faith in myself and my worth, that if he says “thank you, but no thank you”, it’s his loss and I will forever be the one that got away. I’ve done it before, the guy said no, and he now has a sparkly new girlfriend and I honestly couldn’t care less. Wounds heal, but perhaps this one will remain open until I make a conscious effort to close it. Until I get the final answer. What’s the worst that could happen, you can’t be much worse off than you are now, right?
I think I just convinced myself .