IF I WAS STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND…

I would like to kick this blog post off by saying a big fat thank you to Reuby Booby for this incredible eureka moment. (Reuby is Ali’s boyfriend, and last night, sat watching I’m a Celeb on the sofa, he came up with this gem of an idea). Thanks baby.

I feel like this is going to reveal a lot about me, without really meaning too. (You should do this too if you have a spare five minutes) If I was stranded on a Desert Island and I only had space to carry ten items and take five people, this would be my wish list…

*If you think that you should have made the list, and didn’t, don’t @ me. Boo-fucking-hoo, build a bridge, cry me a river etc. etc.

(I’m assuming that when I get to said Island, I luckily stumble upon the basics, a pot, rope, things to make a den out of, sun cream etc.)

  1. A portable solar powered record player (if this doesn’t exist, I’m going to make one), accompanied with ten delicious albums, including: ABBA GOLD, Amy Winehouse, Disco Demands, Marvin Gaye and Cher + five random bargain bucket choices.
  2. Mongo. For those who don’t know, Mongo is a stuffed monkey that I have had since I was tiny. He goes everywhere with me, whenever I travel, whatever bed I’m crawling into at night, he’ll be there. I love him unashamedly and he will forever be my No.1 bed fellow. I don’t even think it’s lame to have a teddy, I think whatever part of being a child we can hold on to, we should.
  3. Salt and Pepper shaker- because otherwise everything will taste just blugh.
  4. The Keyring that the family I used to nanny for gave me. It has three little monkeys on the side for the kids and consists of a nail file, knife and scissors. What more could I need.
  5. Pride and Prejudice – the book – I could read it 1000 times and not get bored. I could dream of the rolling hills, I could imagine Mr fit as fuck Darcy and I could dance at the ball, by myself, in the sand.
  6. A notebook and pen – So that I could write the most brilliant memoir: my secrets, my lessons, my regrets, my epiphanies, my true loves and my will. (I’m bound to die before being saved).
  7. Solar panel fairy lights, because fairy lights to me are more affective than yoga or drugs. For some reason, when I see a fairy light I go all giddy and excited, my mood is altered and I feel happy and at peace.
  8. I would be naked the entire time, but I would quite like some of those crazy shoes that go on each toe and make you look like you have webbed feet. Apparently they improve posture, and help you to walk on any surface (a bit like normal shoes). Our old voice teacher at OSD (oh sorry I went to a drama school for a whole 6 months, didn’t you know?) used to wear them all the time and I always thought he looked rather cool. Quite like a hippy cult leader or an acid taker at a festival. Either way, I want to embody that vibe on my Island.
  9. A bar of Lindt ‘a touch of sea salt’ ark chocolate, which would be reserved for special occasions only.
  10. And last but not least, I would take a picture of everyone I love. (But clearly don’t love enough to take with me).

Here it goes, get ready for the controversy. If I was to have been on a plane, that crashed, on to this desert Island, these are the people that I would hope might land there too…

  1. David Attenborough. Obvious choice I know. But come on. Imagine, lying against a palm tree, next to big Dave having live commentary of all the natural beauty going on a round you. The stories that man could tell. I mean even bed time stories, you’d sleep like a baby every night just knowing that he was there. I also like to think that he’s the less cocky version of Bear Grylls, like he knows all that shit too but just doesn’t show off like Bear does. So he’d be more of a guide than an action hogger. Also risky choice because I don’t know him, we may not get on, but I have an inclining that we would.
  2. Billy Ashcroft. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned Bill before, I met him when I was at drama school and definitely prefer his girlfriend Ruby, who I also met there or his Dad legend of stage and screen or his sister pop-star and all round legend. But, Billy would make me laugh until I cry. He would complain endlessly, which I would also find amusing. And for some reason he makes me feel safe and grounded and like everything’s going to be okay. I think it’s because he’s so fucking rational. He could also do with losing a few pounds, so I’m just helping him out really.
  3. Faye so nearly didn’t make the cut because she loves home comforts, her phone and consumerism far too much to be stranded on a Desert Island. But then I thought, if I was to sit and have to make conversation with someone for eternity, it would be her. And now I’m thinking, can Faye and Lu count as one person because they’re related. Lucinda would be so good at survival and she’d give free yoga lessons on the beach in the morning and she’d sit up until the sun rise getting so deep that we’d put the worlds problems to right. (I’ve decided they can be, because a few weeks ago Faye knocked on the door, and Libbo shouted up the stairs “G, Lu’s here”).
  4. Anthony Joshua. Because let’s be honest, if you’re going to have to reproduce at any point during this excursion, you’re going to want to do it with him. Well, I would anyway. I can imagine he’d be quite good protection, and also I’m getting pretty good at boxing so would probably be helping him out, teaching him a thing or to.
  5. OH MY GOD LAST PLACE, WHOSE IT GOING TO BE, GUN TO YOUR HEAD AND WHO WOULD YOU SAY: I think I’m going to take Ellis. She’s so fucking hardcore. I’ve also lived with her for the past two years and we’ve managed not to fall out/kill each other so I think that puts us in pretty good stead. She’d also be able to kill an animal I reckon.

 

*Things that I definitely wouldn’t take…

  1. My phone, because it would die and the pictures would never look as good on the screen as they did through my eyes.
  2. A mirror – because it’s magical to see yourself only through how you feel and how others react to you.
  3. I wouldn’t take my Mum because my Dad would die without her. And I wouldn’t take my Dad because he’d be a fucking nightmare without a Gin and Tonic at his disposal.
  4. Clothes. Because who needs them when Anthony Joshua is around.
  5. Ali D, because we’d encourage each other to do something wild and die within 24 hours.
  6. My cousins, because Steph would miss her make-up too much and Jess wouldn’t be able to kill an animal. (Lee, I wouldn’t take you because there are pupils out there that need teaching, and they’re not going to teach themselves now are they.)
  7. Make-up because fuck that on a normal day of the week, let alone when I’m rolling around in the sand trying to write an SOS signal.
  8. The Cheetah girls. (Because there would be no Prosecco, so they wouldn’t survive a minute, especially Anna, it would be like “Anna you kk hon” after two minutes and she’d just be dead from Prosecco withdrawal.)
  9. I wouldn’t take anything to groom with because what’s the point when the patriarchy isn’t breathing down your neck.
  10. And Lastly, I definitely wouldn’t take myself, because who the fuck wants to be stranded on a desert Island for that long with those random items and weird people?!

Kind of joking, kind of not. x

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